So I forgot I had this little thingy, until just now, when I realized that I really needed to free write to get some of the feelings and emotions I am feeling currently out of my system.
My body currently is seized by the little death of fear, fear brought about by insecurity, insecurity brought about by past failures.
Except this time I feel like my stakes are so much higher, and I feel I might be over thinking it but my direction and course of action is mudded by the thoughts swimming through the pool of my mind.
In the great grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the slightest, there is no danger, life will go on, yada yada yada.
Yet from my own point of view these moments are critical and I must again face the fact that I have no idea what I am doing.
In the past it has been you try to hard, or you don't try hard enough. Finding this balance of letting someone know you are really interested without scaring them off is so blatantly impossible to me.
So enough with the intro, by now no doubt you the reader (if one exists) has figured out that I am talking of matters with the opposite sex, an area in my life so chalk full of failure that until recently I had written it off as a lost cause and moved my energies into other areas. Then of course she has to come along and ruin everything, make things so complicated, and yet so fascinating at the same time. Resistance is futile, and yet from her perspective, I have no idea, I may or may not have the same pull. Then the insecurities kick in, date number 1 and two went great, and yet despite all the facts I still go into "what if" mode and my past failures creep into my blood and infect my mind. I need to KNOW that this time I won't just be another broken heart. There is no way to know though. My only choice is to risk it, allow myself to open up and pray that this time I am not discarded, hope that this time reciprocation occurs in feelings. The fact is I am an amateur at all of this. It is the third date... not even a commitment, and I am already falling for her. I fall so fast, it is ridiculous. I begin to entertain an idea in my head and it just naturally spins out of control and grows to obscene sizes, be the idea good or bad.
I know she likes me, and no indication of her not liking me has been shown, but at the same time I don't know how to express, how to tell her how I feel without scaring her off. I know I should just let things be but the uncertainty tears at me.
How can I show her my weakness, without her thinking I am weak... without her realizing how much out of my league I know she is. I almost wonder if the joy of time spent with her is worth the anxiety and uncertainty I feel in-between, I force myself to hold back, to not let myself fall because of the pain it sets me up for. Although that pain is not guaranteed, I am not a complete cynic, it has been 100% of my past experiences in this particular ground of life. I can't get her off my mind, and I although happy before her, and knowing I can be happy without, don't think I can afford to not take the risk. She is more then anything I could ever ask for (so far, it is only the second date... who knows she might not be as great as I think so far)
I can only hope that somehow she can find a way to destroy my fear and insecurity, that maybe she will be the one that I just know I can count on, that I won't scare her off, that love is real.
If not no doubt I will once again be forced to shell myself within walls and ignore the world and all its women until the next irresistible heart breaker comes my way. But I am hoping that the last time I had my heart broken will remain that, the last time. With fingers crossed and hope in my eyes I will continue to lean against the fear and trudge through whatever chaos, paradises, and swamps might come. I know how I want to live, I know what is important to me, this is important, but not the main goal, however I still hope for success in it.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Web
Verb
action,
to do,
jump
push
fly
escape
What do you do? How do you do it? Why do you do it?
What are your goals?
Don't worry about what everyone else is doing, saying, thinking. Act. Full honesty, make your goals happen.
Not just in a play, or a class, but in life, make it happen.
There is nothing stopping you, except yourself, your mind, washed by the others, who once were washed themselves. No one is to blame.
They say you can't, prove them wrong, they say you won't, make them eat their words.
Choose then go, stick to your choices like glue, only your own redecision should change your mind, not another mind.
Remove yourself from the web, no TV, phone, computer, set aside time to reflect, to think, does what i am doing truly matter to me? Yes, then continue, No, then you MUST change, or face the repetitive history you write for yourself.
Decide what your true passions are, your true callings, pursue them, become them, live them.
You do not need permission, you do not have to explain yourself. You are an adult now, live it up. If that means eating bacon every day, do IT. If that means learning the intricacies of the anatomy of a pig, do IT. If that means watching every movie to ever exist, do IT. If that means becoming a nascar driver DO IT.
The pursuing is the habit to ingrain, even if you don't become a nascar driver, your pursuit will open doors to other opportunities and interests.
Pursue your dreams, and help others achieve theirs!
or you know, watch more jersey shore or something... barf.
action,
to do,
jump
push
fly
escape
What do you do? How do you do it? Why do you do it?
What are your goals?
Don't worry about what everyone else is doing, saying, thinking. Act. Full honesty, make your goals happen.
Not just in a play, or a class, but in life, make it happen.
There is nothing stopping you, except yourself, your mind, washed by the others, who once were washed themselves. No one is to blame.
They say you can't, prove them wrong, they say you won't, make them eat their words.
Choose then go, stick to your choices like glue, only your own redecision should change your mind, not another mind.
Remove yourself from the web, no TV, phone, computer, set aside time to reflect, to think, does what i am doing truly matter to me? Yes, then continue, No, then you MUST change, or face the repetitive history you write for yourself.
Decide what your true passions are, your true callings, pursue them, become them, live them.
You do not need permission, you do not have to explain yourself. You are an adult now, live it up. If that means eating bacon every day, do IT. If that means learning the intricacies of the anatomy of a pig, do IT. If that means watching every movie to ever exist, do IT. If that means becoming a nascar driver DO IT.
The pursuing is the habit to ingrain, even if you don't become a nascar driver, your pursuit will open doors to other opportunities and interests.
Pursue your dreams, and help others achieve theirs!
or you know, watch more jersey shore or something... barf.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Year Changes
With this new year comes many changes, a plan to move into my own apartment, a play, and much more farther around the bend then my eyes care to look.
One thing is certain though, I have much to be thankful for.
I feel much more grounded into who I am, and what I want. As well as much more grounded in the desire to learn more and help others.
I have a whole table of books to read and continue reading, and new adventures unfolding everyday.
I have great friends each with their own unique and amazing stories, as well as a whole city of .5 - 1 million strangers not yet met who each have their own story as well.
Much much more, but even with all to be thankful for, I still know and recognize the importance of continued self development and betterment. So I have my set of new years resolutions to work out and bring forward.
In no particular order here are some of the things I plan to focus on in the coming decade. (yea I count in base 10 get over it.)
Exercise, I plan to get more of it, maybe Tai chi or yoga, or both.
I need to find someone else interested in such so that I have someone to nag me if I don't show. Anyone interested let me know. I know some places that offer it free.
Research, taking a semester off of school, during that time I need to allocate some resources to researching possible degrees and schools to finish my BA. Figure out what exactly my major will be. This one is hands down going to be the most difficult.
Acting, not just on stage, but in the world as well. Finding ways to make a difference in the world, and then doing them. Already have great resources and plans in place. Just need to prioritize in such a way that they get done.
Then in terms of stage, working my ass off for the play, and comedy improv. Entertaining and storytelling and helping make others days brighter in that regard as well.
Work, not losing sight of the triviality of it, not letting it effect my mood, and continuing to raise the bar and be successful at the same time. Making it so the people who report to me, are able to look forward to work just a little bit more then if I wasn't there. As well as helping my employees to be successful in their own goals as well. Make the job as fun as possible, while still getting it done like an allstar.
Spirituality, continued study and practice, day by day. Bodhisattva Vows in February.
Study of all traditions so as to be better able to understand others view points and goals. As well as soak up the wisdoms that other cultures enjoy. Finding a root Lama, and continuing the practices that I already know and have learned. Encouraging others to be moral (when relevant)and always trying to place myself second and help and serve others. Daily meditation.
That sums up the big ones, there are other smaller ones, but they should be pretty easy, and don't really need focus put on them.
I hope that everyone left 2010 in a good state of mind, and that 2011 will be blessed for you all.
Much Love,
Matt
One thing is certain though, I have much to be thankful for.
I feel much more grounded into who I am, and what I want. As well as much more grounded in the desire to learn more and help others.
I have a whole table of books to read and continue reading, and new adventures unfolding everyday.
I have great friends each with their own unique and amazing stories, as well as a whole city of .5 - 1 million strangers not yet met who each have their own story as well.
Much much more, but even with all to be thankful for, I still know and recognize the importance of continued self development and betterment. So I have my set of new years resolutions to work out and bring forward.
In no particular order here are some of the things I plan to focus on in the coming decade. (yea I count in base 10 get over it.)
Exercise, I plan to get more of it, maybe Tai chi or yoga, or both.
I need to find someone else interested in such so that I have someone to nag me if I don't show. Anyone interested let me know. I know some places that offer it free.
Research, taking a semester off of school, during that time I need to allocate some resources to researching possible degrees and schools to finish my BA. Figure out what exactly my major will be. This one is hands down going to be the most difficult.
Acting, not just on stage, but in the world as well. Finding ways to make a difference in the world, and then doing them. Already have great resources and plans in place. Just need to prioritize in such a way that they get done.
Then in terms of stage, working my ass off for the play, and comedy improv. Entertaining and storytelling and helping make others days brighter in that regard as well.
Work, not losing sight of the triviality of it, not letting it effect my mood, and continuing to raise the bar and be successful at the same time. Making it so the people who report to me, are able to look forward to work just a little bit more then if I wasn't there. As well as helping my employees to be successful in their own goals as well. Make the job as fun as possible, while still getting it done like an allstar.
Spirituality, continued study and practice, day by day. Bodhisattva Vows in February.
Study of all traditions so as to be better able to understand others view points and goals. As well as soak up the wisdoms that other cultures enjoy. Finding a root Lama, and continuing the practices that I already know and have learned. Encouraging others to be moral (when relevant)and always trying to place myself second and help and serve others. Daily meditation.
That sums up the big ones, there are other smaller ones, but they should be pretty easy, and don't really need focus put on them.
I hope that everyone left 2010 in a good state of mind, and that 2011 will be blessed for you all.
Much Love,
Matt
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