Long time no post!

So I forgot I had this little thingy, until just now, when I realized that I really needed to free write to get some of the feelings and emotions I am feeling currently out of my system.
My body currently is seized by the little death of fear, fear brought about by insecurity, insecurity brought about by past failures.
Except this time I feel like my stakes are so much higher, and I feel I might be over thinking it but my direction and course of action is mudded by the thoughts swimming through the pool of my mind.
In the great grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the slightest, there is no danger, life will go on, yada yada yada.
Yet from my own point of view these moments are critical and I must again face the fact that I have no idea what I am doing.
In the past it has been you try to hard, or you don't try hard enough. Finding this balance of letting someone know you are really interested without scaring them off is so blatantly impossible to me.
So enough with the intro, by now no doubt you the reader (if one exists) has figured out that I am talking of matters with the opposite sex, an area in my life so chalk full of failure that until recently I had written it off as a lost cause and moved my energies into other areas. Then of course she has to come along and ruin everything, make things so complicated, and yet so fascinating at the same time. Resistance is futile, and yet from her perspective, I have no idea, I may or may not have the same pull. Then the insecurities kick in, date number 1 and two went great, and yet despite all the facts I still go into "what if" mode and my past failures creep into my blood and infect my mind. I need to KNOW that this time I won't just be another broken heart. There is no way to know though. My only choice is to risk it, allow myself to open up and pray that this time I am not discarded, hope that this time reciprocation occurs in feelings. The fact is I am an amateur at all of this. It is the third date... not even a commitment, and I am already falling for her. I fall so fast, it is ridiculous. I begin to entertain an idea in my head and it just naturally spins out of control and grows to obscene sizes, be the idea good or bad.
I know she likes me, and no indication of her not liking me has been shown, but at the same time I don't know how to express, how to tell her how I feel without scaring her off. I know I should just let things be but the uncertainty tears at me.
How can I show her my weakness, without her thinking I am weak... without her realizing how much out of my league I know she is. I almost wonder if the joy of time spent with her is worth the anxiety and uncertainty I feel in-between, I force myself to hold back, to not let myself fall because of the pain it sets me up for. Although that pain is not guaranteed, I am not a complete cynic, it has been 100% of my past experiences in this particular ground of life. I can't get her off my mind, and I although happy before her, and knowing I can be happy without, don't think I can afford to not take the risk. She is more then anything I could ever ask for (so far, it is only the second date... who knows she might not be as great as I think so far)
I can only hope that somehow she can find a way to destroy my fear and insecurity, that maybe she will be the one that I just know I can count on, that I won't scare her off, that love is real.
If not no doubt I will once again be forced to shell myself within walls and ignore the world and all its women until the next irresistible heart breaker comes my way. But I am hoping that the last time I had my heart broken will remain that, the last time. With fingers crossed and hope in my eyes I will continue to lean against the fear and trudge through whatever chaos, paradises, and swamps might come. I know how I want to live, I know what is important to me, this is important, but not the main goal, however I still hope for success in it.