turn a corner

Trying to submerge myself within the things I find most important, even if other people, or even the majority of the people i know do not find them important. This might mean some major changes and shifts in way of life. Selling and donating all but the essentials, and the things I actually use. Of course things of sentimental value and that hold memories might have to stay for awhile too. This semester I will have my associates (assuming I pass accounting II and international business.) I do not know what I want to major in, I narrowed the choices down to Psychology, Philosophy, Physics, Chemistry, and Creative writing. However none of these really fit within the goals of what I really want to do/live. I've come to realize that no one really knows me, and that is mainly my fault. I do not communicate. With anyone, in an honest and open fashion. Every time I have done so I just get burned, so I stop. So the conflict between wanting to be known, loved, and appreciated, vs. being safe, secure, and confident rages inside me. Once again opening up just led me to pain, and all I can do to keep from breaking is try to pretend like I am happy. Happy the way things are. The way they seem to always be, for me. I don't understand it, and it doesn't make sense to me. I wish it could be different. That for once it could be both ways, and not just one.