"My brain has become a collision course of random thoughts. Some trivial, but some well worth the wonder.

Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. It's the same anxiety I have when I think I've forgotten how to tie my tie or tie my shoelaces or I've forgotten how to swallow my food and I'm going to choke on it.

Three days ago I was standing in front of our bathroom mirror in terror because I couldn't knot my tie. I wanted to say, "Sally, please come in here and help me."

But I couldn't.

What would she have thought?

Last night I spit a piece of steak into my napkin rather than risk swallowing it, because I was afraid I would choke.

Maybe it's trivial and that's why no one wants to talk about it, so I'm talking to myself. No one wants to listen to who we really are. Know somebody really. Know you leave shit stains in your underwear and pick your nose.

Tell a woman you've forgotten how to swallow your food and she's in her car and out of your life before you can say, "Wait, there's more."

Sometimes I have to think about someone else when I'm with you because I'm afraid I won't stay hard if I don't.

Or how much I want to fuck the teenage daughter of the couple that lives three doors down.

How my father takes all the air out of the room and I can't breathe when I'm with him.

How if I could tear my breast open and rip out my heart and feed it to these sea gulls in little raw pieces, that pain would be nothing to the one I already feel, the pain of your betrayal!

How most afraid I am of losing you.

How can I tell you these things and there be love?" --Sam Lips Together, Teeth Apart

by Terrence McNally

Choice Sheet ... check

Resume ........... check

Final Monologue back brain .... check

Last final of the semester. Thinking this semester is going to be straight B's.

Last three semester have been honor roll semesters but not this time. (well if I get the A i think I am hinging on in POS i might still make honor roll. That is a close one though...)

If not this time then next semester.

Really haven't felt attached to the school work lately. Time is approaching again when I have to decide what I want to major in. Or if I even want to continue college at all...

Busy weekend with the show and the going away party and the season finale of lost, and then a Daria watch party Monday. Plus dentist Monday morning... ew dentists... Looking foward to all of that except the dentist.

Next week the plan is to clean my room, office area, and go through all my cloths and pile all the ones I no longer wear or like wearing into a pile to donate to the Salvation army or some charity that wants/needs cloths. To start running again, a mile a day before work. Will most likely start out with a half a mile and work back up. I want to get back to the 6 minute mile. Once Back at the 6 minute mile I will probably start lifting again. I have been informed that there is an indoor track at JCCC. So this winter I need to make sure to stay at it. My body is approaching the point where It is harder to trim off the edges. So hibernating every winter is not going to be applicable anymore.

Longer term over the summer I want to find my own place. Studio apartment somewhere maybe, possibly follow up with the people who said they were interested in having me as a roommate.

One of these days I need to visit the chiropractor. I started to go about two months ago but ditched out because I was scared of what he/she might find. My back is not hurting bad. But it does hurt. Lower to mid-back. Sleeping becomes a hassle because I cannot lay in anyway and be comfortable. Standing and sitting is fine. It is just laying down. Maybe running will help with that.

Kind of a sketch of my plans there. More written out to organize my thoughts for myself really so probably a boring read. Oh well.

Corperate America

To change the world for the better.
One sentence, my life goal, to know that when I die, My life in someway made the world better then if I had never existed at all.
Broad goal, lots of different ways to tackle it, but I do not want to just do the small stuff, I want to go big.
The last 2 -3 years I have been thinking, exploring, and wondering what way I am going to approach this goal. World hunger? Cure for AIDS? An invention that changes the landscape?
I think that my experience in the corporate world has led me to the task at hand though.
The Corporate mentality, you are just a number, I am just a number. The more numbers that we can produce the better. The less we can pay you to produce those numbers the better. Profit is America's new God.
It does not matter if someone is struggling to pay there rent, raise a family, contribute to their local community. They are a number, and if the organization decides to downsize, they lose their job.
It does not matter to the corporation that the persons in questions results are excellent, that they come in everyday and work their asses off.
A number. A number that costs money. That's how they view workers, managers, upper managers, all the way up to the CEO.
This mentality is flawed. In so many ways. It demeans people, sure it is for the customer it is for people. Cheaper prices, a consumerist paradise. At what cost?
What substitutions could be put in place? Does running a profitable business have the prerequisite that you forfeit your soul? How can this problem be fixed, not for one corporation but for all corporations?
Civilization will eventually reach a state of teamwork, competitive economics will at some point have to die. All humans, working together as a unit, rather then against each other. Raising with the masses instead of from them.
Before this can happen of course we must solve the problem we face of limited resources. As long as we do not have enough for everyone there will be competition and those without.
This might not happen in my lifetime, but we have a humongous power plant just 8 light minutes away. If we could figure out how to harness even 75% of the total power being emitted by our sun (not talking solar panels.) daily energy shortages would become a thing of science fiction. Once energy becomes that plentiful all it would take is some improvements in robotic technology and life as we know it would drastically change. (better? worse?)
The sun releases 3.83×10²⁶ W of energy, or 9.15 × 10¹⁰ megatons of TNT per second. 3.36 x 10^{^11}W is approximately how much energy the Nuclear power plants in the world currently produce. That is an order of magnitude of 15.
Maybe I should try going into engineering.

Improv and Friends!

Today I slept in till 9, then went back to sleep till 10, promised myself I would get up at 11, rolled back over and woke up at 3, said "ok what do i need to do today?" read-off aloud to myself a list of stuff that must be done, but fell asleep during the reading off of the list. Woke up at 4, realized, Oh man I have improv in a half hour! Jumped out of bed and had a marvelous Improv rehearsal.

At first I thought I was being lazy and procrastinating, then I realized I just wanted to start off the day with fun and then move to chores.... hmmm still need to put that laundry in... went to jimmy johns with friends after the show, mmmmm jimmy johns. I swear they are not paying me to advertise in my blog, but they should be. They should be.

Working on the TV and the Xbox, getting the stand set up was quite the puzzle, especially with no real instruction booklet, but I think I figured it out.

I am excited for the show Saturday!

Improv rocks at reducing the stress levels of life, and so does sleep, So I feel pretty good right now, good time to start on those chores I have been putting off. =D

Time for sleep

Another Great day, (3 in a row!) yard work, laundry, chores and studying tomorrow, some improv (yay!) and then who knows.

Finals this week. Just 2 tests and a monologue.

Lots on the mind, hope I can shut the biological machine down long enough to get some decent sleep.

Not gonna lie, I am super jealous of Tony Starks Lab, if I had technology and resources and smarts like that who knows what I could accomplish.

Its 2010, where in the world are teleporters? Or how about robots to do all the work?

Lets take some of the research and development off of phones and put it towards science and engineering of robots, artificial intelligence, time travel etc.

Alas my childhood dream of having a conversation with true AI might never come to be, yea yea yea, humans are ok, but the human brain forgets... little things, unimportant things, but forgotten all the same.

Mind Reading

Sometimes I wish I could read minds, Know what is going on inside of peoples minds when I am not sure. The idea has fascinated me for years. I have even wondered that even if I could read someone's mind what guarantee would I have I could even understand it? How can we know if we think the same way? What if my brother thinks completely in morse code? (-.. .- -- -. / - .... .- - / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. / -... . / .- / -... .. - -.-. ....) Or in only references to a movie you have never seen? In their own mental language?

For the most part I do not have any problems reading people but lately it seems like my knack is off. The last two - four weeks especially. I have just been having too many moments where I hear the words, recognize their meaning by definition, but know or feel like there is some deeper meaning to them that I am not picking up on.

On the other hand if I could read minds I would be tempted to use it entirely too much. It would take away any surprise or dynamic of a person. Knowing everyones motives, wants, feelings, and intentions all the time, although useful in someways, would take away the spice of life. Even though to have such an ability would allow for massive movements towards any goal (world peace, end of hunger, cure for diseases...) However the trade-off would be a life that is much to 3 dimensional.

I guess there is a certain beauty in not knowing whats going on in someones head. A true freedom that as of yet no one can take away. A certain excitement in having to guess, not knowing for sure, but sometimes, sometimes, I would rather just know.

First real post

This picture was supposed to be later ignore...
Well today was a massive success if I do say so myself! Started off with a large amount of sleep from the night before, woke up energized and ready for the world. Relaxed once again because the dark loom of approaching deadlines to assignments and finals was gone. (well kinda, still have finals.) Had breakfast with good company. Plus bagels so great start of the day.

Work went well, managed to get the whole Friday massive increase in paperwork done, while simultaneously finishing all the training and one on one work with new-hires I did not think I would have enough time to finish. Got some policies that I found misplaced changed slightly to allow more flexibility for those who are faster learners. Had to stand up to both my boss and boss' boss to do this, a little intimidating but it worked out and it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. One of the new-hires who I was worried was not gonna make it really rose to the challenge today, He did not quite make the goal I set for him but I have up most confidence that he will make it on Monday. Really good guy, great work ethic, just not quite used to the physicality of the job yet. Really got some great new-hires this swing around.

After work I spent waaaaaaay too much time trying to get my phone to sync with my computer in order to get photos off of it. Gave up for a time and went to eat and hang out with a couple friends from work and their friends. Great company, hilarious all of them! We went and got cigars after dinner and then went off to their house. Keep in mind, I do not know the host or hostess, first time we have met. After taking a short tour around the house, They had cool clocks,

I really was digging their house, the layout and decor. We got to drinking, I had my usual White Russian. Then randomly they asked if anyone wanted a 42" TV, well I was like why are you giving away a 42"TV?? They tell me that it randomly turns off, no set time, just 30 - 40 minutes sometimes longer, and that you have to unplug and replug it in to get it working again. Well I am like heck yes at this point, a built in timer to prevent me from watching TV too long? SCORE! I might never be able to fix it, but getting up and plugging does not seem like much trouble to me. Also maybe I can fix it, we will see. So they say all yours, we are trying to get rid of it.

Above and below are their nifty clocks.

So we take it out to my car, fits snuggly in the back seat, It looks really nice, I haven't tested it yet, project for another day. We go back in and resume drinking and joking, Jason my friend from work started making fun at the situation and me getting a 42 inch TV from strangers, he said something along the lines of next they will give you an XBOX. Phil playing along was like "about time Matt got one." and then the host was like "welllll..." I froze, realized he was kidding internally, he kept going and I had already written it off as a joke, he was talking about how he had an XBOX 360 that worked but the CD drive required a paperclip to open sometimes. That it was just sitting gathering dust because he had just purchased a new one. I still think he is joking... he goes and gets it.... I am baffled. My mind is blown. Just met these two today, such generosity was refreshing to say the least. I decided to comp them in on the next Improv show as thanks, If they show up their tickets are on me, the least I could do. Wish I could do more to be honest. Super nice. I went out just expecting dinner and socialization, I drove home with a 42" flat screen TV with 1080p resolution. Holy Shit. Then an XBOX!

Got home, unpacked, finally figured out how to sync my phone with the computer (took some driver manipulation and some thinking outside the box on my part.)

So here is the original picture that was going to be the focus of my photo blog entry: well it was going to be here but I cant seem to get it down. So it is up top! Next time I am going to upload pictures first, seems easier to structure the blog that way.

JIMMY JOHNS! Right by my house, sprung up out of nowhere, superbly excited. I love jimmy johns. Seeing this on the way to work, what a good day already!

So yea, breakfast, jimmy johns discovery, work, cigars, friends, TV's and XBOX360, Great Day!