turn a corner

Trying to submerge myself within the things I find most important, even if other people, or even the majority of the people i know do not find them important. This might mean some major changes and shifts in way of life. Selling and donating all but the essentials, and the things I actually use. Of course things of sentimental value and that hold memories might have to stay for awhile too. This semester I will have my associates (assuming I pass accounting II and international business.) I do not know what I want to major in, I narrowed the choices down to Psychology, Philosophy, Physics, Chemistry, and Creative writing. However none of these really fit within the goals of what I really want to do/live. I've come to realize that no one really knows me, and that is mainly my fault. I do not communicate. With anyone, in an honest and open fashion. Every time I have done so I just get burned, so I stop. So the conflict between wanting to be known, loved, and appreciated, vs. being safe, secure, and confident rages inside me. Once again opening up just led me to pain, and all I can do to keep from breaking is try to pretend like I am happy. Happy the way things are. The way they seem to always be, for me. I don't understand it, and it doesn't make sense to me. I wish it could be different. That for once it could be both ways, and not just one.

lack of motivation

"Why fight to live if we are just living to die."

i do not know really what I am trying for, or why, anymore.

Yay improv!

‎2 Improv workshops! An amazing show! Great friends and company, and getting to ride home with TJ and Susan! Learned a bunch and met a ton of people! Now for rest, and sorting out all the new information! I would say, "Extremely Successful Saturday!"

Susan Messing is a genius!
Jonathan Pitts was too!
and I took Improv workshops from both of them today!!!
No workshop with TJ but saw him perform!

Joy Joy class was very simple and the exercise in there I need to work the most on is, Yes, Thanks for noticing!
Whole body listening was intense, So much we ignore, our senses are truly powerful!
"We lie to our body, but our body does not lie to us!"
Three levels of listening, the two others being character and improver!

Woot!

Super excited to work on all this and get better and try it all out!!!

Count to 5

The Five Stages of Abandonment are: 1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love. 2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return. 3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself. Idealizing the abandoner at your own expense, narcissistic injury sets in and fear incubates. 4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action. 5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities. You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.

....

cannot forget the promise exchanged

138

Well this weekend went pretty well! Friday night hung out with Sarah, joey's party got cancelled so we quickly improvised new plans. I took her to spin, a very nice pizza place that has a great atmosphere. We finished reading the little prince and chatted and flirted and such. The night overall was good, I learned quite a bit.
Saturday I took care of the tree branch that fell in our yard, i sawed away at it for a good hour or two, bagged it up for the garbage man, and then set it aside for pickup day. I then worked on my monologue for auditions. Hopeing for the role of Gene in "A devil inside." Sarah came over again to chill and we watched fried green tomatoes. She is a total cutie. I always feel so blessed to have her in my life. Today I worked more on the monologue and ACI classes. Improv rehearsal was cancelled today. I have really bad gas right now, probably from that garlic pizza, literally had to leave the room it was so bad. Good thing i am by myself right now LOL.
Going to meet some friends for drinks tonight and reread my monologue a few more times before bed, work in the morning yippie love the scan room.

I know

i know that i am trustworthy, a good person,
i want to still strive to be a better person.

I am sleepy.