New Blog:

http://phmaya.blogspot.com/

 Posts to come soon.

Long time no post!

So I forgot I had this little thingy, until just now, when I realized that I really needed to free write to get some of the feelings and emotions I am feeling currently out of my system.
My body currently is seized by the little death of fear, fear brought about by insecurity, insecurity brought about by past failures.
Except this time I feel like my stakes are so much higher, and I feel I might be over thinking it but my direction and course of action is mudded by the thoughts swimming through the pool of my mind.
In the great grand scheme of things it doesn't matter in the slightest, there is no danger, life will go on, yada yada yada.
Yet from my own point of view these moments are critical and I must again face the fact that I have no idea what I am doing.
In the past it has been you try to hard, or you don't try hard enough. Finding this balance of letting someone know you are really interested without scaring them off is so blatantly impossible to me.
So enough with the intro, by now no doubt you the reader (if one exists) has figured out that I am talking of matters with the opposite sex, an area in my life so chalk full of failure that until recently I had written it off as a lost cause and moved my energies into other areas. Then of course she has to come along and ruin everything, make things so complicated, and yet so fascinating at the same time. Resistance is futile, and yet from her perspective, I have no idea, I may or may not have the same pull. Then the insecurities kick in, date number 1 and two went great, and yet despite all the facts I still go into "what if" mode and my past failures creep into my blood and infect my mind. I need to KNOW that this time I won't just be another broken heart. There is no way to know though. My only choice is to risk it, allow myself to open up and pray that this time I am not discarded, hope that this time reciprocation occurs in feelings. The fact is I am an amateur at all of this. It is the third date... not even a commitment, and I am already falling for her. I fall so fast, it is ridiculous. I begin to entertain an idea in my head and it just naturally spins out of control and grows to obscene sizes, be the idea good or bad.
I know she likes me, and no indication of her not liking me has been shown, but at the same time I don't know how to express, how to tell her how I feel without scaring her off. I know I should just let things be but the uncertainty tears at me.
How can I show her my weakness, without her thinking I am weak... without her realizing how much out of my league I know she is. I almost wonder if the joy of time spent with her is worth the anxiety and uncertainty I feel in-between, I force myself to hold back, to not let myself fall because of the pain it sets me up for. Although that pain is not guaranteed, I am not a complete cynic, it has been 100% of my past experiences in this particular ground of life. I can't get her off my mind, and I although happy before her, and knowing I can be happy without, don't think I can afford to not take the risk. She is more then anything I could ever ask for (so far, it is only the second date... who knows she might not be as great as I think so far)
I can only hope that somehow she can find a way to destroy my fear and insecurity, that maybe she will be the one that I just know I can count on, that I won't scare her off, that love is real.
If not no doubt I will once again be forced to shell myself within walls and ignore the world and all its women until the next irresistible heart breaker comes my way. But I am hoping that the last time I had my heart broken will remain that, the last time. With fingers crossed and hope in my eyes I will continue to lean against the fear and trudge through whatever chaos, paradises, and swamps might come. I know how I want to live, I know what is important to me, this is important, but not the main goal, however I still hope for success in it.

Web

Verb

action,
to do,
jump
push
fly
escape


What do you do? How do you do it? Why do you do it?
What are your goals?

Don't worry about what everyone else is doing, saying, thinking. Act. Full honesty, make your goals happen.
Not just in a play, or a class, but in life, make it happen.

There is nothing stopping you, except yourself, your mind, washed by the others, who once were washed themselves. No one is to blame.
They say you can't, prove them wrong, they say you won't, make them eat their words.

Choose then go, stick to your choices like glue, only your own redecision should change your mind, not another mind.

Remove yourself from the web, no TV, phone, computer, set aside time to reflect, to think, does what i am doing truly matter to me? Yes, then continue, No, then you MUST change, or face the repetitive history you write for yourself.

Decide what your true passions are, your true callings, pursue them, become them, live them.

You do not need permission, you do not have to explain yourself. You are an adult now, live it up. If that means eating bacon every day, do IT. If that means learning the intricacies of the anatomy of a pig, do IT. If that means watching every movie to ever exist, do IT. If that means becoming a nascar driver DO IT.

The pursuing is the habit to ingrain, even if you don't become a nascar driver, your pursuit will open doors to other opportunities and interests.

Pursue your dreams, and help others achieve theirs!
or you know, watch more jersey shore or something... barf.

New Year Changes

With this new year comes many changes, a plan to move into my own apartment, a play, and much more farther around the bend then my eyes care to look.

One thing is certain though, I have much to be thankful for.

I feel much more grounded into who I am, and what I want. As well as much more grounded in the desire to learn more and help others.

I have a whole table of books to read and continue reading, and new adventures unfolding everyday.

I have great friends each with their own unique and amazing stories, as well as a whole city of .5 - 1 million strangers not yet met who each have their own story as well.

Much much more, but even with all to be thankful for, I still know and recognize the importance of continued self development and betterment. So I have my set of new years resolutions to work out and bring forward.

In no particular order here are some of the things I plan to focus on in the coming decade. (yea I count in base 10 get over it.)

Exercise, I plan to get more of it, maybe Tai chi or yoga, or both.
I need to find someone else interested in such so that I have someone to nag me if I don't show. Anyone interested let me know. I know some places that offer it free.

Research, taking a semester off of school, during that time I need to allocate some resources to researching possible degrees and schools to finish my BA. Figure out what exactly my major will be. This one is hands down going to be the most difficult.

Acting, not just on stage, but in the world as well. Finding ways to make a difference in the world, and then doing them. Already have great resources and plans in place. Just need to prioritize in such a way that they get done.
Then in terms of stage, working my ass off for the play, and comedy improv. Entertaining and storytelling and helping make others days brighter in that regard as well.

Work, not losing sight of the triviality of it, not letting it effect my mood, and continuing to raise the bar and be successful at the same time. Making it so the people who report to me, are able to look forward to work just a little bit more then if I wasn't there. As well as helping my employees to be successful in their own goals as well. Make the job as fun as possible, while still getting it done like an allstar.

Spirituality, continued study and practice, day by day. Bodhisattva Vows in February.
Study of all traditions so as to be better able to understand others view points and goals. As well as soak up the wisdoms that other cultures enjoy. Finding a root Lama, and continuing the practices that I already know and have learned. Encouraging others to be moral (when relevant)and always trying to place myself second and help and serve others. Daily meditation.

That sums up the big ones, there are other smaller ones, but they should be pretty easy, and don't really need focus put on them.

I hope that everyone left 2010 in a good state of mind, and that 2011 will be blessed for you all.

Much Love,

Matt

Truth and Freedom of speech.

http://www.reverbnation.com/artist/artist_videos/603938?sel_song_id=2923281&autoplay=1

that is all.

frisky matt

Breaking records at UPS, 259809 through the sort yesterday!!! 100 % of missorts caught and rerouted. Record broken was 230000 and a 93ish percent. LIKE A BOSS!!

march is raise month, i think ill get another 2%, maybe 5, oooo getting frisky matt, getting frisky.

Philosophy vs. Mathematics

It has often been said that mathematics is the cheapest university department to run, for all one needs is pencil, a desk and a waste paper basket. This is not so. Philosophy is cheaper still, since in philosophy we do not even need the basket.

Mindphones

So in my imaginative, and sometimes twisted view of reality, I was contemplating the term "cellphone."

Even though I see it as a metal box, one that sends and recieves radio waves, using simple processors and memory,(basically a computer in the hand for some of the newer ones) the term springs much more association in my mind. (maybe because of a biology lecture I once sat through that was all about how the cells in a body communicate.)

Anyway, I thought to myself, what if...

What if in some distant future, our biological DNA was actually engineered to allow our individual cells to have "phones" in sense of capability. An Android smart phone in each and every cell. Our generation is already exceeding the definition of multitasking. They would almost have to come up with another word for the amount of tasking that would spring forth. With such ability so much could be done, however it would take a massive amount of mental ability to be able to control and direct that much communication.
---

BUT thats not really what I wanted to write about, just setting the stage to where this idea sprung from in my mind.
Because after thinking about a "literal cell phone" for awhile, I began to think, what would the next step be?

Great, others can see exactly how I feel if I so choose through my cells etc, empathy would be at an all time high, but still an imperfect form of communication.

Mindphones. The word flashed through my head. Granted I cant take complete credit, the idea has been in several science fictions and literature in various forms. Different limitations and structures of the idea have been discussed and presented. I visualize it as a form of consensual telepathy, both parties would be able to choose what thoughts to send. It wouldnt be a whole mind scan or anything of the sort. If you don't want to send something, you dont have to.

Imagine for a moment if you will, dialing someone, sending the exact thought you wanted to send, (time place date, why plans changed, whatever,) Receiving a confirmation or rejection thought back, and not having to worry about any miscommunication. Perfect communication, what would that be like? To be able to say the things inside that you want to get out but can never find the words for, would it be a blessing? or a curse? A relief?

No misinterpretation, no language or slang barrier, just pure thought. Even the barrier of cultures would be somewhat lifted.
The implications for teaching, learning, etc would shoot through the roof. Don't understand a math problem? How much easier would it be to see the thought process play out in front of you (as fast or as slow as you want it) rather then hear someone try to explain it verbally. (especially when the majority of math teachers/professors tend to not be so skilled in terms of language)

There used to be the cell phone commercials where people misheard what was said on the other end. Purchasing a goofer, when the other person wanted a golf ball. That would be non existent.

There would never be a need to explain yourself, because the other side would be "thinking like you think," when they receive your communication.
Privacy would still exist, as you choose what you want to send, and even who you want to receive from.

I Imagine that there would be some people who would be overly revealing with the technology when it first was released. People who make their entire minds public, either for study or entertainment.
Psychology would finally have solid, sound data to work with, rather then individual data that is open for speculation.
There would also be people that would refuse to use the technology at all. In fact, some might be against it being used by anyone.

The social and economic structure, as well as the scientific community would evolve into a massive conglomerate. Conference calls by scientists without any miscommunication could quickly lead to solutions and cures to problems that would take much much longer to "talk out"


Granted I do not think this will be released in my life time (would be awesome if it was.) but I am fascinated by the idea, the implications, the problems that might arise, the successes that might occur.
I might expand on this on a later date.

one semester off

Taking one semester off school once this one is done.
I will have my associates (provided all goes well in my current classes.)
been slacking a bit of late in my academics, mainly because 2/3 classes are boring wastes of life.
I have learned something major though, two jobs i have no interest in are accounting and business. Well at least to major in, I have a natural knack for business, but the classes about business are just useless jargon to describe topics I could have pandered up with pure common sense at the ripe age of, ohhh i donno, maybe 9?
maybe i couldn't have spelled the words, but i damn sure knew the concepts, an opportunity cost was not being able to play video games because I had to do homework. Easy shit...
I'm leaning towards psychology, maybe counseling?
also still fascinated with philosophy, but ill be damned if i sit through another history of philosophy class (intro to philosophy.)
The longer I am in school the more I realize how much Bullshit our education system is.
Besides the core sciences and maths, it is all just conjuncture.
"We do it this way because thats how it has been done"
Waste of my time, I came to learn, not to be told what to do. While yes, 1% of these bullshit classes might come with a nugget of wisdom, for the most part they are just crafty rearranging of facts, analysis of systems with new sets of vocab.
Trust me I know how to analyse a system... learned that plenty from video games, little hand held strategy games that all have new sets of vocab, except one major difference THEY ARE ACTUALLY FUN!

I need a break, i can only fake a smile through bullshit for so long, my acting classes have been the only things keeping me even trying in school. But even that is frustrating, because, knowing all the words terms and mental work, but not being able to do it viscerally in the form of a monologue, so frustrating. I put all this work into it and end up going audition to audition with nothing to show for it. Getting the "artificial stakes" to become a reality in my body is quite a challenge for me.

Although the Improv comedy is going well, i am in the college Improv tournament this Saturday.

I am pretty sure ill figure something out, but i really want to stop wasting my time and energy in the meantime while i decide exactly what I want to major in. Stay working, go to KCACTF and just keep my schedule open and free until i decide i guess...

The Art of Ambition

Some major changes recently, Decided after a moral review of my standards and who I want to be, that certain activities that I thought were morally sound are not. Deleted all downloaded music off my computer, and left myself with only music I had purchased. I am going to slowly repurchase everything I once had (not all at once, bit by bit) and buy all music in the future. While I still do not agree with the current copyright laws and system in place, for obvious reasons, IE artists getting small cut of own work, everyone else getting pieces of their pie etc.
I will look for places and systems that provide the artist with the largest percentage cut and buy from them. If no such system exists then perhaps I will have to make a project to start one up.
One of many changes made recently.

There is much to think about though, we are approaching a "post scarcity" age in terms of publishing. BOOKS, MOVIES, MUSIC, etc now can be published electronically and then redistributed for virtually no cost. How does a publishing company put a price on copy and paste when all that is used up is server cost and bandwidth...
Once a library has an electric copy of a book, then everyone can get it free? how are they supposed to function, will this dinosaur recognize that it has reached the end of its time and finally die? I doubt it. In fact the outdated model is clinging desperately to life, trying to stay in the old ways. It will take the people as a whole to support and vote through legislation preventing companies from ripping people off. How does one define the worth of something that now has "infinite" supply on a supply and demand curve. It doesn't matter what the demand is, there will always be enough.
I hope to see before I die a world where all information is free. Not like now, because now I can access virtually any information for free, but voluntarily free.
A system where Text books are on USB drives and can be accessed anywhere, for free.
Where the billions spent on military are spent on farming and making sure that food and shelter is available for all. A system where space exploration and colonization becomes the main goal of the world again. Where the heros are the scientists that find cures for diseases and capitalist blind consumerism disappears.
This is my ambition, my desire, and it can be done, logically everything is there. The resistance is not in what is available, but in how the system is being run.

The loop.

The ride starts slowly chugging forward on the triangular steel tracks, it is at this point you realize that you really did not want to ride it at all.
In fact it terrifies you, petrifies, strikes hard and deep in the muscles in your gut. Why did I ever get on? what was I thinking? Why did I listen to them? I knew this was a bad idea! Too late, halfway up the metallic mountain, you tug frantically at your seatbelt and chest guard making absolute sure they are on tight and secure. The two men behind you joke about the ride derailing or catching fire. To them it sounds light hearted and fun, but to you, a prophesy of the rise of Satan, flashes of your life fly through your mind, your hands slip on the handle drenched in your sweat. The ride creaks to a grinding halt at the very tip of, in your eyes, Everest. You see the winding maze of interlocking, interwoven, and interconnected tracks below. Other cars on the track whiz by the intersections inches away from colliding. You blackout. You are walking up some stairs now, location unknown, but inside you have this feeling, like you are close, that whatever is at the top of the stairs is going to... a wave of relief seems to flow over you. You wake back up, hands shaking from gripping the handlebars so tight, the car begins its crazed decent through the tracks labyrinth, as it accelerates you feel yourself relax. The once monstrous machine of gears and twists now looks to you no different then a flight of stairs.

turn a corner

Trying to submerge myself within the things I find most important, even if other people, or even the majority of the people i know do not find them important. This might mean some major changes and shifts in way of life. Selling and donating all but the essentials, and the things I actually use. Of course things of sentimental value and that hold memories might have to stay for awhile too. This semester I will have my associates (assuming I pass accounting II and international business.) I do not know what I want to major in, I narrowed the choices down to Psychology, Philosophy, Physics, Chemistry, and Creative writing. However none of these really fit within the goals of what I really want to do/live. I've come to realize that no one really knows me, and that is mainly my fault. I do not communicate. With anyone, in an honest and open fashion. Every time I have done so I just get burned, so I stop. So the conflict between wanting to be known, loved, and appreciated, vs. being safe, secure, and confident rages inside me. Once again opening up just led me to pain, and all I can do to keep from breaking is try to pretend like I am happy. Happy the way things are. The way they seem to always be, for me. I don't understand it, and it doesn't make sense to me. I wish it could be different. That for once it could be both ways, and not just one.

lack of motivation

"Why fight to live if we are just living to die."

i do not know really what I am trying for, or why, anymore.

Yay improv!

‎2 Improv workshops! An amazing show! Great friends and company, and getting to ride home with TJ and Susan! Learned a bunch and met a ton of people! Now for rest, and sorting out all the new information! I would say, "Extremely Successful Saturday!"

Susan Messing is a genius!
Jonathan Pitts was too!
and I took Improv workshops from both of them today!!!
No workshop with TJ but saw him perform!

Joy Joy class was very simple and the exercise in there I need to work the most on is, Yes, Thanks for noticing!
Whole body listening was intense, So much we ignore, our senses are truly powerful!
"We lie to our body, but our body does not lie to us!"
Three levels of listening, the two others being character and improver!

Woot!

Super excited to work on all this and get better and try it all out!!!

Count to 5

The Five Stages of Abandonment are: 1. Shattering: Severing of love-connection, devastation, shattering of hopes and dreams. The emotions are shock, panic, despair, feeling you can't live without your love. 2. Withdrawal: You're in painful withdrawal of love-loss, as intense as heroin withdrawal. The emotions are yearning, craving, obsessing, longing for your ex's return. 3. Internalizing: As you try to making sense of the rejection, you doubt and blame yourself. Idealizing the abandoner at your own expense, narcissistic injury sets in and fear incubates. 4. Rage: Reversing the rejection and having retaliatory feelings. Displacing anger on friends who don't understand or are critical of the abandoner leads to more unhealthy action. 5. Lifting: Rising out despair, life begins to distract you. You begin to open to love again and all its possibilities. You “SWIRL” through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before.

....

cannot forget the promise exchanged

138

Well this weekend went pretty well! Friday night hung out with Sarah, joey's party got cancelled so we quickly improvised new plans. I took her to spin, a very nice pizza place that has a great atmosphere. We finished reading the little prince and chatted and flirted and such. The night overall was good, I learned quite a bit.
Saturday I took care of the tree branch that fell in our yard, i sawed away at it for a good hour or two, bagged it up for the garbage man, and then set it aside for pickup day. I then worked on my monologue for auditions. Hopeing for the role of Gene in "A devil inside." Sarah came over again to chill and we watched fried green tomatoes. She is a total cutie. I always feel so blessed to have her in my life. Today I worked more on the monologue and ACI classes. Improv rehearsal was cancelled today. I have really bad gas right now, probably from that garlic pizza, literally had to leave the room it was so bad. Good thing i am by myself right now LOL.
Going to meet some friends for drinks tonight and reread my monologue a few more times before bed, work in the morning yippie love the scan room.

I know

i know that i am trustworthy, a good person,
i want to still strive to be a better person.

I am sleepy.

Scan room

well 100% to day all around

boooyyaaahhsacckkaaaa

This Friday Me and Sarah tried to take a profile picture for Facebook, i cant remember what was said but we both started cracking up, even though it is really blurry i really like this picture.
I love spending time with her, but it always seems to pass so quick. I really wish i could see her more.